Even the thick, mute, deaf walls,
were blinded to my six year old calls.
The light, blinded, by the blinds
Covered by your wordy lines.
So now I close my eyes to forget,
But I remember it all too well.
I close my eyes to run away,
But I am still standing where I fell.
Perhaps only the cold mosaic tiles,
Could testify for these tall tales of a child.
Grandfather’s best kept guest room,
So often became your playroom.
But no one heard,
No one saw,
I must have imagined it all somehow.
At times, my invisible tears,
form the outline of your reflections.
At times, my invisible fears
form silly fun-house mirror expressions.
Now, your smile is etched in my mind,
Tattooed under my eyelids,
poking me blind.
I can’t remember to forget you.
I can’t remember if you are even true.
There is no escaping,
your thick stench, warm breaths, sweaty palms,
the tuneless creaking that accompanied your walks.
There is no escaping,
The back and forth,
back and forth,
or the sound of your buckle belt pulsing.
Merry-go-round,
Merry-go-round,
“My head is spinning, please let me down.”
Merry-go-round,
Merry-go-round,
My invisible vomit on the ground.
Silence filled those thick years,
while you whispered lies in my ears,
Those words you said no one else must ever hear!
“When will you let me go out?”I said
“It’s a game, don’t you like this play?” you said.
I nodded just to keep you near!
Maybe out of desperate fear?
“It hurts!” I said.
“Don’t you whine,” you said
“I was your star! ‘Special’”- I said,
“Then keep still,” you said.
Keep still, keep still
I must have lost my own will.
What an act it must have been,
What a sight I must have been,
Playing the lead in your twisted games,
A ragged doll, hanging
by a marionette string,
upside down, inside out,
twisting and turning,
like a hollow shell, hosting an old parasite.
Each night you set me into position,
“Keep still, shhhh…shhhh, don’t move!”
Speak only when directed,
as directed.
On cue,
smile,
now nod
“what a lovely girl, you are!”
Still,
silent,
on my knees,
Still,
silent,
on my back,
Still,
silent,
on the floor,
Still, silent,
on your lap.
Maybe you sought me out,
Maybe I was waiting.
Maybe I deserved it!
And while you pushed back and forth
I found a kitty cat on the sealing
I found butterflies on the ground.
Anything to help forget.
I can’t seem to remember when I lost my mind.
Like a straw filled sown up doll
I sat still, silent.
I must have been the star freak, traveling
On your carnival wagon,
Tied down and tied up by a rope
The amusement of a late night show.
Even during the celebrations of Nowruz,
When everyone was dancing to the drums and strings and flouts,
Your filthy hands, your indecency,
Penetrated me with confusion.
But see, you were no stranger…
You had done this before!
You parted my thighs and ripped me apart,
Over and over, back and forth,
Shredding me into tiny spots.
You robbed me of innocence and brilliance,
While you rubbed yourself on my sanity,
So years later I cut
myself with the pieces of disgust.
I wanted to say STOP-
Scream at you: “Noooo moooore!”
But no sound ever followed
the patterns, cause you gagged my courage down my throat.
So I say it now
Aloud:
“I am going to learn to move on somehow!”
I am no one’s victim.
Not even yours.
I had to stitch up the scars,
Those memories you carved,
but I will not remain in submission
to this tragedy you wrote on my thighs.
cklara moradian